The itch has begun.
The seemingly irresistible urge to sever ties, to loose bonds, and to encourage practices formerly avoided (notice the Oxford Comma- gratitude to "Loki").
Another year has come and gone, but this time it snuck by me like a ship in the night, a very dark night... a very silent ship.
I had few visions of grandeur coming and going from school; my parents probably knew this best, as they took me aside and asked that I would not become a bum. Despite the hair and tattered clothing, I think I've kept my word to them. I wonder the price.... TANSTAAFL.
So many new people, so many new experiences, but they are not mine and I am faced with my drive for the escape of the horizon-tempered in the quench of duty, of ever-controlling responsibility, regardless of options that may appear tantalizingly close.
This is my close for the evening. Enjoy your trepidation. Experience your joy and trepidation.
Fear
Altered
In
To
Hope
~James Thomas Mello
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Friday, December 19, 2008
Movers and Shapers
*Disclaimer:
There is none.
Thank GOD for Josh and Joanna Maziarz!
With so many friends married (or close to it) the subject of marriage is certainly on my mind. The thing about Josh and Jo is that they have never compelled a wish that I had someone, if only as a refuge from my life and friends. They made me want someone as an enhancement to OUR lives and OUR community.
And a similar thanks to GOD for Jed and Crystal Smith!
Thanks for their amazing demonstration of community to me. Jed working a couple jobs to get his family all they need, but still hosting Saturday night dinners and movies with Crystal. They would put together a night in a home away from home for their troupe of friends that are missing "home". How amazing is that?!
That is how I want to be, I want to have my own place that I can continue the gifts of my friends to others- especially in a place like Santa Rosa. I think Santa Rosa needs something like that, in the sense of community to break the "gimme-gimme's".
The ridiculous part is that I've been wanting this because I don't remember having it much and my parents weren't really this way (none of them, I think). Of course, now that I've moved away, it seems like mom and Kyle are getting it...!!!
There is none.
Thank GOD for Josh and Joanna Maziarz!
With so many friends married (or close to it) the subject of marriage is certainly on my mind. The thing about Josh and Jo is that they have never compelled a wish that I had someone, if only as a refuge from my life and friends. They made me want someone as an enhancement to OUR lives and OUR community.
And a similar thanks to GOD for Jed and Crystal Smith!
Thanks for their amazing demonstration of community to me. Jed working a couple jobs to get his family all they need, but still hosting Saturday night dinners and movies with Crystal. They would put together a night in a home away from home for their troupe of friends that are missing "home". How amazing is that?!
That is how I want to be, I want to have my own place that I can continue the gifts of my friends to others- especially in a place like Santa Rosa. I think Santa Rosa needs something like that, in the sense of community to break the "gimme-gimme's".
The ridiculous part is that I've been wanting this because I don't remember having it much and my parents weren't really this way (none of them, I think). Of course, now that I've moved away, it seems like mom and Kyle are getting it...!!!
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
About me... and not me.
I have a tendency toward balance. Blame my dad if you'd like, maybe hold GOD responsible, but when confronted with a strong position (probably, any position) I face it with my own "balancing" position.
Since South Africa, that position has been the preaching of grace. My own belief has been shaken and fixed, crushed up and ground into new mortar to be re-used.
I want the Person of Christ. I want it in fullness. I want the whole thing and I want it as my own.
Preaching JESUS' gift in death and resurrection without continuing on to Christ's life as ours, leaves one with the gift of a key to a gate without any idea of how one walks on the path... all analogies fail in the end, but bear with me, please.
These past months I've found myself searching for something more than what I know, and I already know that JESUS is my Savior (from something I don't understand), that HE gave HIS life as sacrifice for me for reasons that I understand but struggle to appreciate (as the appreciation comes with understanding differences in relationship).
The verse that came to mind? Romans 5:7 (given with surrounding verses):
"you see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a
righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But GOD demonstrates His own love for us in this:
while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
That played over and over again in my mind. I know that I would lay down my life to help save someone else. I can feel the duty, and understand the responsibility to give up to help others... but why die for me? maybe more to the point, why live for Him?
That was the question, that was the drive-- for what purpose does one love Him and give all for Him?! I don't know Him, not like I know my friends. I can't sit down to a cup of coffee and discuss our relationship, because He lacks the presence to respond. Sure He had the Bible written to speak to me, but when I ask what He thinks of my latest crush, or which band He likes better, responses like "I AM" or "Come, down out of that tree, for I will dine with you tonight" don't really help, you know?
And how does one get to know Him. He obviously has shown love to us with creation, but I thought that love was more than gifts. The "thought" may be what "counts", but having a relationship with thoughts and gifts are nearly impossible (and most would agree: insanity itself). So how do I get to know Him, the real Him, the One that makes all of this worth it?
Christians.
Christians, the Christ-like ones combined, are the earthly showing of Christ (pre-Second Coming). He made us diverse, a piece of the puzzle that is Him, and without each other we shall not know Christ. We know that Christ is the fullness of humanity, He is the perfect or complete One, and we are not perfect nor complete. Wouldn't complete encompass the personality? Somewhere, Amy got her laugh from God, my dad got his annnoyingly slow-paced conversation style from GOD... I got my questing spirit from GOD. We are the fractured fallen ones. But He wants us to know Him, not just to be near Him, but to be WITH Him. I cannot believe that the end-all of Creation would be to be saved, to escape damnation. Too much love and creativity has been shown, too much sacrifice made for the truth to be contained within "being saved" or "receiving grace". There has to be more, more to find and love, and that is what I want.
I still don't know how to get it, but I know its in the journey and not the destination.
I know that GOD made people to be known by each other.
I know that being is more important than doing.
I know that GOD has asked me to "do justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with Him".
what more do I need to know...? I'm still looking for all of it myself.
Since South Africa, that position has been the preaching of grace. My own belief has been shaken and fixed, crushed up and ground into new mortar to be re-used.
I want the Person of Christ. I want it in fullness. I want the whole thing and I want it as my own.
Preaching JESUS' gift in death and resurrection without continuing on to Christ's life as ours, leaves one with the gift of a key to a gate without any idea of how one walks on the path... all analogies fail in the end, but bear with me, please.
These past months I've found myself searching for something more than what I know, and I already know that JESUS is my Savior (from something I don't understand), that HE gave HIS life as sacrifice for me for reasons that I understand but struggle to appreciate (as the appreciation comes with understanding differences in relationship).
The verse that came to mind? Romans 5:7 (given with surrounding verses):
"you see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a
righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But GOD demonstrates His own love for us in this:
while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
That played over and over again in my mind. I know that I would lay down my life to help save someone else. I can feel the duty, and understand the responsibility to give up to help others... but why die for me? maybe more to the point, why live for Him?
That was the question, that was the drive-- for what purpose does one love Him and give all for Him?! I don't know Him, not like I know my friends. I can't sit down to a cup of coffee and discuss our relationship, because He lacks the presence to respond. Sure He had the Bible written to speak to me, but when I ask what He thinks of my latest crush, or which band He likes better, responses like "I AM" or "Come, down out of that tree, for I will dine with you tonight" don't really help, you know?
And how does one get to know Him. He obviously has shown love to us with creation, but I thought that love was more than gifts. The "thought" may be what "counts", but having a relationship with thoughts and gifts are nearly impossible (and most would agree: insanity itself). So how do I get to know Him, the real Him, the One that makes all of this worth it?
Christians.
Christians, the Christ-like ones combined, are the earthly showing of Christ (pre-Second Coming). He made us diverse, a piece of the puzzle that is Him, and without each other we shall not know Christ. We know that Christ is the fullness of humanity, He is the perfect or complete One, and we are not perfect nor complete. Wouldn't complete encompass the personality? Somewhere, Amy got her laugh from God, my dad got his annnoyingly slow-paced conversation style from GOD... I got my questing spirit from GOD. We are the fractured fallen ones. But He wants us to know Him, not just to be near Him, but to be WITH Him. I cannot believe that the end-all of Creation would be to be saved, to escape damnation. Too much love and creativity has been shown, too much sacrifice made for the truth to be contained within "being saved" or "receiving grace". There has to be more, more to find and love, and that is what I want.
I still don't know how to get it, but I know its in the journey and not the destination.
I know that GOD made people to be known by each other.
I know that being is more important than doing.
I know that GOD has asked me to "do justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with Him".
what more do I need to know...? I'm still looking for all of it myself.
Monday, May 12, 2008
coming out of A closet
I think I be on to something:
I am a "closet high-maintenance, drama queen"
It came to me after talking a bit with Josh Ratiani, at least, that is where I got the high-maintenance part. I seemed to be giving him such a hard time about the upcoming retreats and musical details of a Sunday morning.
The drama queen title comes from the apparent need for adversity in my life. Now that I have some stability, i keep looking for something to happen (or maybe looking to see if I NEED something to happen), to keep up my "change junkie" addiction that I received from my mom.
I wonder what that says about me, that I need to strive against or to something... that I'm an idealist, needing purpose to continue on. That I need the competition to keep me at my best... it even feels that my faith ebbs and flows with complacency... and I only seem to be complacent when I'm out of "antagonists"....
I am a "closet high-maintenance, drama queen"
It came to me after talking a bit with Josh Ratiani, at least, that is where I got the high-maintenance part. I seemed to be giving him such a hard time about the upcoming retreats and musical details of a Sunday morning.
The drama queen title comes from the apparent need for adversity in my life. Now that I have some stability, i keep looking for something to happen (or maybe looking to see if I NEED something to happen), to keep up my "change junkie" addiction that I received from my mom.
I wonder what that says about me, that I need to strive against or to something... that I'm an idealist, needing purpose to continue on. That I need the competition to keep me at my best... it even feels that my faith ebbs and flows with complacency... and I only seem to be complacent when I'm out of "antagonists"....
Thursday, April 03, 2008
world as myth
Books to read:
CS Lewis' "Surprised by Joy" and Robert Heinlein's "The Cat Who Walked Through Walls".
Both of them enjoyable for different reasons, and Heinlein's "Cat" is not for immature or young minds.
The "world as myth" is something that "cat" addresses specifically, an idea that sparks enough with fantasy to capture one's desire for their own lives, while leaving it in the hands of the sci-fi writer as a "fairy tale". Which is ironic, because the skepticism is the very character's perspective of such a thought.
But then you have CS Lewis with his perception of "the world as myth", maybe not exactly the same, but certainly trying to recover the meaning of the word "myth". I think that it was he that said that the Bible (biblical story) was the greatest myth of all, knowing that myth refers to a narrative of historical proportion, not necessarily a false story...
more to think about along those lines, but I'm actually getting tired, so it's about time to stop.
--------
what is it about ages that set me off...?
I've tried so hard to look past ages knowing that I have all too often been the youngest one, striving to make the age of a person less relevant to capabilities, experience, maturity.... But I'm too guilty of prejudice to know to combat it.
CS Lewis' "Surprised by Joy" and Robert Heinlein's "The Cat Who Walked Through Walls".
Both of them enjoyable for different reasons, and Heinlein's "Cat" is not for immature or young minds.
The "world as myth" is something that "cat" addresses specifically, an idea that sparks enough with fantasy to capture one's desire for their own lives, while leaving it in the hands of the sci-fi writer as a "fairy tale". Which is ironic, because the skepticism is the very character's perspective of such a thought.
But then you have CS Lewis with his perception of "the world as myth", maybe not exactly the same, but certainly trying to recover the meaning of the word "myth". I think that it was he that said that the Bible (biblical story) was the greatest myth of all, knowing that myth refers to a narrative of historical proportion, not necessarily a false story...
more to think about along those lines, but I'm actually getting tired, so it's about time to stop.
--------
what is it about ages that set me off...?
I've tried so hard to look past ages knowing that I have all too often been the youngest one, striving to make the age of a person less relevant to capabilities, experience, maturity.... But I'm too guilty of prejudice to know to combat it.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Family is more than you know...
Jesus’ words intrigue me. Much of what I see as I skim through the pages of my Bible confuse me: why is that here? what do I do with this story? narration? poem? who cares that Paul wrote so much; we aren’t Paul-ians?!
Bu when I get back to Jesus’ words, there seems value to each one. Reading those words are reading the words of God (through “less” disciple essayist form… I’m not reading an apostle’s blog about what Jesus wanted/likes/did…)
So have you read John 17? You know, the passage where we see Jesus pray… is this where “we” learned to pray? I use the collective “we” to remind me that I’m not perfect, because reading Jesus’ prayer, I suddenly see where the tradition of address and convincing comes from in our own prayers. That was always something I didn’t like about the way I prayed or those around me… wasn’t God supposed to know this already? aren’t we supposed to talk with Him, rather than “force His hand” with reminders of promises, etc.?
Now to dive into what got me started: John 17. Jesus keeps harping on us being one as He is one with the Father. That is His prayer (if consistency demonstrates emphasis) for us, to Him. But how are we ever to be one if we hate our brothers? * gasp * What about when we disparage others?! For most, that’s not even any where close to hatred, but “out of the heart, the mouth speaks”. So what about Roman Catholics? Episcopals? Anglicans? Orthodox? We’re saying that we may not have all the answers, but “those heretical Catholics…” or “those ritualistic Orthodox…” The “best” part about this is also a reason why I dislike Casting Crowns: this attitude is portrayed as being instructional or something. (I brought up Casting Crowns because of their ridiculous song “What if God’s People Prayed”… how does scourging someone turn into encouragement to pray as we ought? answer: it doesn’t!!! a negative or cross-wise comment can only be truly encouraging/exhorting when in love, in an actual relationship; not from some soapbox in whatever town they’re from…)
How are we to be one family if we refuse to acknowledge any other side? You don’t choose your family name (not really) yet Jesus talks about us being called by His name as He receives His Father’s name (John 17:11-12). He gives it to us, we don’t choose it. I am a Mello. I had the option of being a Coffin, but I’m not a Coffin, I’m a Mello. It is who I was made to be. If Jesus made me to be a new man in Him then I have His name. And I cannot truly judge a Catholic brother, he has been given a new name… the same surname I have… I don’t choose my brothers, and if I think they’re wrong about something, disowning them won’t teach them very well, now will it? In fact, the only way I can see to communicate effectively is to strengthen the family tie, to acknowledge us and build the relationship with our points of commonality. Celebrating differences is great for special events, but we’re family now.
We celebrate the day-to-day, together.
Bu when I get back to Jesus’ words, there seems value to each one. Reading those words are reading the words of God (through “less” disciple essayist form… I’m not reading an apostle’s blog about what Jesus wanted/likes/did…)
So have you read John 17? You know, the passage where we see Jesus pray… is this where “we” learned to pray? I use the collective “we” to remind me that I’m not perfect, because reading Jesus’ prayer, I suddenly see where the tradition of address and convincing comes from in our own prayers. That was always something I didn’t like about the way I prayed or those around me… wasn’t God supposed to know this already? aren’t we supposed to talk with Him, rather than “force His hand” with reminders of promises, etc.?
Now to dive into what got me started: John 17. Jesus keeps harping on us being one as He is one with the Father. That is His prayer (if consistency demonstrates emphasis) for us, to Him. But how are we ever to be one if we hate our brothers? * gasp * What about when we disparage others?! For most, that’s not even any where close to hatred, but “out of the heart, the mouth speaks”. So what about Roman Catholics? Episcopals? Anglicans? Orthodox? We’re saying that we may not have all the answers, but “those heretical Catholics…” or “those ritualistic Orthodox…” The “best” part about this is also a reason why I dislike Casting Crowns: this attitude is portrayed as being instructional or something. (I brought up Casting Crowns because of their ridiculous song “What if God’s People Prayed”… how does scourging someone turn into encouragement to pray as we ought? answer: it doesn’t!!! a negative or cross-wise comment can only be truly encouraging/exhorting when in love, in an actual relationship; not from some soapbox in whatever town they’re from…)
How are we to be one family if we refuse to acknowledge any other side? You don’t choose your family name (not really) yet Jesus talks about us being called by His name as He receives His Father’s name (John 17:11-12). He gives it to us, we don’t choose it. I am a Mello. I had the option of being a Coffin, but I’m not a Coffin, I’m a Mello. It is who I was made to be. If Jesus made me to be a new man in Him then I have His name. And I cannot truly judge a Catholic brother, he has been given a new name… the same surname I have… I don’t choose my brothers, and if I think they’re wrong about something, disowning them won’t teach them very well, now will it? In fact, the only way I can see to communicate effectively is to strengthen the family tie, to acknowledge us and build the relationship with our points of commonality. Celebrating differences is great for special events, but we’re family now.
We celebrate the day-to-day, together.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
sometimes it takes so long...
For all of you that understand the irony of this situation, I am blogging "late" at night...
Lately I've been receiving messages that I should be blogging more, letting my thoughts be made known for my friends that I am around and those that I can't the time to see... unfortunately, I've had trouble keeping my thoughts together enough to put them down for my friends, well, that and I feel like I haven't actually been thinking that much. Now if I'm still living, then I should still have something to write about, right? yeah, not so much when I remember that I'm alive by my thoughts (and their influence on my actions)....
so now, hopefully, I will have something to say, as I seem to have found some time, some actions, and some thoughts to keep in mind to share with you:
music.
music has been floating around my noggin since South Africa, because I got to play, really play, in a way I hadn't in such a long time. Whether it was bass or drums, making music was right at the top of the daily priority list.
I love playing,
I love thinking through what I'm playing, stretching my abilities and combining what I've learned with what I've heard to make something new (at least moderately new). Then my bass was removed from me, somewhere between Cape Town and Washington, D.C., and I had to adapt a little. I play more drums,
which forces me to listen more to what people are playing around me. I have to play basses that are unfamiliar and with different sets of sounds...mmm.... variety can be great, if also difficult. All of this, combined with the encouragement of my mentor, Foster; my teacher, Calin; and others (Newell, Ratiani, Corbin) brings out this feeling of need to continue with this art.
I just don't know how far I can go with this... if I actually love it enough to
make it more than a hobby... though it has obviously passed that mark,
long ago.
Maybe some playing in Nashville is in order? but I'd probably want to play some catch up before I go ahead...
also about music... I've had some funny conversations with people lately about musical styles and personal preferences. Maybe its just that I'm on the postmodern generation, but I feel qualifying music is an especially difficult, if not impossible, task. It can't be done, because the qualifications are of preference. But to go further than judging music, as if above all, and judge the people listening by their music really pisses me off.
Now, I can understand a qualification by morality, like "this music celebrates bad morals", but to say that listening to classic rock is bad is quite another thing.... especially if followed by a declaration like: I only listen to Christian music and classical opera (mozart, Lully, etc.). Talk about idiocy. Those operas with their drama and content are the 17th century version of our R-X rated movies! Just because the music may be more melodically "pleasing" or the complexity more theoretically ingenious, or even that it is in a language you don't understand with beautiful voices and instrumentation.... that doesn't make it "Christian" or anyway else you may want to put it... not any more than Queen or Owen or Ben Gibbard...
As an abstract art, I find it very hard to believe that music is not always a form of worship. The lyrics may try to spin us away from the creativity of our Maker, but the music is still a gift and a blessing from God... hmm... talking about it in these terms makes me think that God's wonderfully confusing abstracts are fairly similar in simplistic complexity... like sex: good in marriage, bad without. honoring to God and given with His blessing, capable of perverseness, but not actually a bad thing of itself.
yeah, rambling now, I told you it was late.
Lately I've been receiving messages that I should be blogging more, letting my thoughts be made known for my friends that I am around and those that I can't the time to see... unfortunately, I've had trouble keeping my thoughts together enough to put them down for my friends, well, that and I feel like I haven't actually been thinking that much. Now if I'm still living, then I should still have something to write about, right? yeah, not so much when I remember that I'm alive by my thoughts (and their influence on my actions)....
so now, hopefully, I will have something to say, as I seem to have found some time, some actions, and some thoughts to keep in mind to share with you:
music.
music has been floating around my noggin since South Africa, because I got to play, really play, in a way I hadn't in such a long time. Whether it was bass or drums, making music was right at the top of the daily priority list.
I love playing,
I love thinking through what I'm playing, stretching my abilities and combining what I've learned with what I've heard to make something new (at least moderately new). Then my bass was removed from me, somewhere between Cape Town and Washington, D.C., and I had to adapt a little. I play more drums,
which forces me to listen more to what people are playing around me. I have to play basses that are unfamiliar and with different sets of sounds...mmm.... variety can be great, if also difficult. All of this, combined with the encouragement of my mentor, Foster; my teacher, Calin; and others (Newell, Ratiani, Corbin) brings out this feeling of need to continue with this art.
I just don't know how far I can go with this... if I actually love it enough to
make it more than a hobby... though it has obviously passed that mark,
long ago.
Maybe some playing in Nashville is in order? but I'd probably want to play some catch up before I go ahead...
also about music... I've had some funny conversations with people lately about musical styles and personal preferences. Maybe its just that I'm on the postmodern generation, but I feel qualifying music is an especially difficult, if not impossible, task. It can't be done, because the qualifications are of preference. But to go further than judging music, as if above all, and judge the people listening by their music really pisses me off.
Now, I can understand a qualification by morality, like "this music celebrates bad morals", but to say that listening to classic rock is bad is quite another thing.... especially if followed by a declaration like: I only listen to Christian music and classical opera (mozart, Lully, etc.). Talk about idiocy. Those operas with their drama and content are the 17th century version of our R-X rated movies! Just because the music may be more melodically "pleasing" or the complexity more theoretically ingenious, or even that it is in a language you don't understand with beautiful voices and instrumentation.... that doesn't make it "Christian" or anyway else you may want to put it... not any more than Queen or Owen or Ben Gibbard...
As an abstract art, I find it very hard to believe that music is not always a form of worship. The lyrics may try to spin us away from the creativity of our Maker, but the music is still a gift and a blessing from God... hmm... talking about it in these terms makes me think that God's wonderfully confusing abstracts are fairly similar in simplistic complexity... like sex: good in marriage, bad without. honoring to God and given with His blessing, capable of perverseness, but not actually a bad thing of itself.
yeah, rambling now, I told you it was late.
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